The doctrine of Funkupaganism professed by the First National Church of the Exquisite Panic, Inc. is a charismatically inclined transcendental humorist religion which advocates free unrestrained inquiry in the belief that the worst news is better than no news at all.

It is the fastest rising glamour stock religion on the spiritual exchange. It has but one commandment: LIVE!

It is a parody of the past, a burlesque of the present, and a travesty of the future! It has but one prohibition, DO NOT EAT CARS!

And it proclaims that there is but one God: Hisherits name is WHO? For example: Why is it not raining? WHO? KNOWS!

Besides the exquisite simplicity which we have just described, here are some of the other ways in which the First National Church of the Exquisite Panic, Inc. differs from the worldís other major religions:

The central concept in the teachings of the First National Church of the Exquisite Panic, Inc. is the THEORY OF PHARBLONGENCE. Pharblongence is a very ancient word of Yiddish origin, the most accurate translation of which is total confusion. We don't know where we're going but WHO? DOES!

Many religions teach how to get to Nirvana. They all give very complicated directions. The First National Church of the Exquisite Panic, Inc. tells you how to get to NEVADA. It sounds close, and itís simple: YOU TAKE A BUS!

There are some religions which teach that there is ONE WAY!

There are other religions which teach that there is THE WAY!

The First National Church of the Exquisite Panic, Inc. teaches that there are FOUR WAYS: